JOKES ONLY(sick and all)

the gay was wearing the farmer's wife's clothes to party. when u read the colored parts it seems lyk he was stripping the farmer's wife, but in fact he was stripping himself.

LOL, okay, yeah i got it in class today when sherry explained.(is this how u spell her name O_O)

yep! she was the one that told me the joke. mummy!

i read it on ticklemewithjokes.com o.O

A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, "Blowjob, five dollars". He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what's a blowjob?". His mom replies "Five dollars, just like downtown!".

huh i dont get it

A boy watches his mum and dad having sex he asks, "What are you doing ?"
His dad replies, "Making you a brother or sister!"
Boy says, "Do her doggy style I want a puppy."

Husband and wife decide to make a password for s*x, they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says, "Washing machine."
Wife replies, "Not tonight darling I have a sore head."
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine."
Husband replies, "To late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand."

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mum, where do babies come from?
Mum: ... Well dear....a mummy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mum: ***elery, dear.

Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.
She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?"
Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Two doctors are having sex, he says to her, "You must be a surgeon, you washed your hands before and after."
She replies, "Well you must be an anesthetist, because I didn't feel a ****ing thing!"

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition." Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."

"I'll take you."

"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."

"I want you."

So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.

One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this." They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left. The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I killed him" said the guy. Shocked, the trader asks "Why?" To which the guy replies, "I caught him in bed with my board!"

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, f*** him?"

Three old guys are sitting around complaining. The first guy says, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I almost cut my ear off." The second guy says, "My hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast today, I spilled half my coffee on my toast." The third guy says, "My hands shake so bad that the last time I went to pee I came taking my cock out."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover Morris."

Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says," I was here already?"

OH. I read most of AZD's jokes before. But I didn't find them funny and I need to explain alot for some.Lazy. XD
Like the last one.
and some are confusing too. It like there's alot, I just pick some nice ones.
and.put sdome explanation at the bottom for liya too.=)

o really? i picked the least confusing ones from a website lol

A mother walks into her daughters room holding a condom in her hand, "I found this while cleaning your room today.... Are you sexually active?" To which the daughter replies, "No, I just lay there."


Which means,the girl didn't do anything.She was below and the guy was on top the the guy does all the*ahem*you know,work.

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"

"What! Are you crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.

"No! Someone might see us..."

"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it."

"No! I said no!"

"Baby... don't be like that."

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."



For this, the guy has accidentally pressed the intercom and the people inside the house can hear evrything. Intercoms are used for communicating through doors, and b well,in this case...

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. "The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked.




This one should be simple enough????

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" She asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."